If you've rented a Bollywood DVD lately, the title of this short ramble requires no explanation. But for those of you who haven't, consider the synopsis on the back of the official Eros DVD package for ARMAAN (2003):

"Armaan is a family drama that allows one to explore the complexity of human relationships and exposes the vulnerability of individuals in those relationships and the choices made by them."

 

   An impressive display of verbosity, no? But what is it actually saying? Well, straight off, the innocent video store browser knows she's in for an unusual and stimulating movie: one featuring individuals involved in — gasp— human relationships! What a novel idea, you say. But wait, it gets better. Not only does the film feature characters in relationships with other human beings, it "exposes...the choices made by them." Armaan, it seems, is the stuff of high drama indeed.

 

  But who are these fascinating characters who live such unique and exciting lives? Well, one of our main characters is Dr. Sinha, who "dreams of running a state-of-the-art hospital in which patients will be given indiscriminate treatment, despite having to struggle with the harsh reality of each disease daily." Indiscriminate treatment? So, ginger ale for everyone, from the SARS patients to the hemophiliacs?

   Ac-tu-ally, Dr. Sinha is a humanitarian who wants to take on patients indiscriminately, regardless of each patient's financial status — but if, for a moment, you thought ARMAAN was the tale of the Indian Dr. Kevorkian, congratulations: you've just had a "Bitten by the Blurb" moment.

   Frankly, it's these moments which make us at BollyWHAT? so fond of Indian DVD companies. The quality of the transfer might be crap, the picture might pixelize at odd moments, and the orchestra might drown out the dialogue. But these priceless blurbs keep us coming back for more. If you think ARMAAN's blurb is bad, just check out the following:

   Rrrrright.

  Generally the errors that make these blurbs so bizarre are due to someone having literally translated from Hindi to English. (Armaan, we attribute to an overzealous Henry James fan.) The true mystery is why, when there are countless Indians for whom English is a first language, the companies can't hire an English-fluent copy editor.

   Then again, most of these DVD companies operate out of the US, Canada, and UK, where almost everybody speaks English (including, we've no doubt, most of the company employees). Thus a few conspiracy theories have arisen to explain the DVD manufacturers' insistence on gramatically bizarre blurbs, the most popular of which holds the blurbs to be cryptograms created by a covert Indian intelligence agency to communicate with its undercover operatives abroad. So, next time you're in the video store and someone looks over your shoulder to read the blurb on the DVD you're holding, stay cool. You may just be doing your bit to help save the free world.